I know we’re in the middle of the playoffs and everything, but I need to share. A funny thing happened on the way to Canada a couple of weeks ago. I just moved up here permanently from Boston’s North End, and to the uninitiated it’s a heck of a tough neighborhood to maneuver anything resembling a large truck through. When I arrived at my favorite automotive equipment leasing establishment (hint: it rhymes with RuPaul,) I discovered my reservation for a 10 foot truck had somehow translated into a 14 footer that wouldn’t be ready for an hour. By the time I finally got back to the North End from Dorchester not only was I an hour behind schedule, but I had serious doubts about whether I’d be able to back the behemoth down my little street that was of course designed for horses 300 years ago.

Luckily my copilot, Sean - the Bear to my BJ (that’s hot) - got out of the truck and helped me navigate backwards through the planters, pedestrians and fire escapes that litter Cleveland Place. We got the bugger in and we got it almost all the way to my front door when I noticed a man on a cell phone walking towards the truck in my rear view mirror. At the time, I thought he looked familiar but I was far too engrossed in not flattening Italian children to pay it any mind. And then Sean shouted his next direction my way:

“Cut the wheel to the right, straighten out past the lamp post and be sure not to hit Stanley Cup winner and Hockey Hall of Famer, Ray Bourque“.

I hit the brakes and turned around to look out the windshield as Ray heard his name, turned and waved at us. Had he not been on the phone, Sean swears he would have asked him to help load the truck so we could get a picture. That would have been quite a momento to leave Boston with. Still, it was very exciting to have almost squashed Ray Bourque that fateful morning. I’m not a fan-atic in a Mark David Chapman sort of way, but I’m starting to see where the fat bastard was coming from.

For starters, let’s talk about the weekend that was. MOL graduated from College on Sunday. On Saturday, I endured a two hour baccalaureate, which I think is a Latin word for “suck fest”. The President of the school talks, and so do some other people, about the importance of this day, and all the…….that’s where I passed out…….clapping…..is it over?

After the suck fest, I took MOL and MOLIL (future tense) to the Razzi for a lovely dinner. Which started with a Woodford Reserve Manhattan, which was followed by another. Dinner was fantastic, and MOLIL (future tense) apologized to me for blaming MOL’s youth on me. It was pretty cool.

After dinner, we had cake at Goonblog HQ. I didn’t really eat any because it looked awful. While all this was going on, The Hammer and HOL were down at Crossroads celebrating his birthday. I called, and we joined up for beers. Several.

We were doing just fine until someone called Hammer’s OL fat. First of all, it’s not true. She is a lovely woman, secondly, as a piece of advice to anyone that comes across Hammer, you no do that. Never, never. Hammer was out of his chair like a shot, and I thought we were going to have a Donnybrook right there in the bar. Eventually, things cooled off, and I blacked out.

Sunday morning started poorly. MOL and I both drank waaaaaay to much. She was not doing well at all, and was looking a little peaked for her graduation. Which started soon. Very soon. Eventually we got her over there, but not before stopping three times to hurl. Mother was in the car with us, and being the type of person she is, she chalked it up to nerves, and didn’t give MOL any shit about it. Mother is a cool broad.

Upon returning to Goonblog HQ from graduation, at which MOL received her diploma cum loudly I might add, I made a B-Line for the Tito’s and OJ I had mentally been preparing for a few hours. After one sip, I was feeling like a million bucks. I was also very drunk again. From there we went to Mother’s for a lovely cook out, and I drank all the beer. I remember there was a party, but that is pretty much it. Let’s put it this way. The party was Sunday. I started feeling better Tuesday at around 7. PM. Not good. Anyway, thanks to all that came. We are all very proud of MOL, and it means a lot to me and her that you could come share her day.

On to new business. In about four hours, I will be boarding a plane for Indianapolis, IN. This will be my 11th Indianapolis 500, and to say I am excited is a gross understatement. Today, I shall drink on the plane, and get picked up by my host, Steve. Tomorrow, I shall pick up Hammer, hand him a cold brew, and we shall head to the track for Carb Day. Carb Day is a very big party that features lots of drunken people, and specifically, drunk girls. It is quite a spectacle. Saturday is the pre race party featuring Polka Boy! It’s a t a Yacht club in Indy, and is always a gas. Sunday is the race. Monday I will be going to the Indianapolis Indians game, and trying to see if I can catch a score on the Cup Playoffs. Tuesday, I am flying home and checking into Betty Ford. Have a happy, and for God’s sake, safe long weekend. Take a minute this weekend to think about what Memorial Day really means. I want to thank all the boys in harm’s way, and thank everyone that has ever worn a uniform in defense of this great nation. Go Ducks! Happy Memorial Day to all!

Let us really suspend reality here for a second. The Boston Bruins have fired Peter Chiarelli, and while flipping through the phone book to find his replacement, they come across my name. I am offered the gig, and I say, ah, what the hell….I’ll do it.

After getting myself installed in the corner Office, would anyone have a problem with me dealing Zdeno Chara to Dallas for Marty Turco? I might as well write you a free business plan while I’m at it. Seriously? Am I fucking crazy, or does this deal make more sense than it should. Look at it on paper. Turco makes 6 million, and has a long history of being an excellent regular season goaltender. He silenced many a critic this season as well in a losing effort to the Canucks. The Bruins have goaltending issues to say the least. Chara is on the books for 7.5 million, so this actually frees up another 1.5 million to get a big center they need as well. Looking at the Bruins top prospects, we have Matt Lashoff, and Mark Stuart. Both guys are almost NHL ready (Stuart I think IS NHL ready. If not for the knee injury, he’d have been in Boston all year.) And could jump into the role as soon as this season. Andrew Alberts and Dennis Wideman are both restricted and need to get signed. York, Dempsey, and Allen are all unrestricted and should be allowed to walk. Trade Chara; get a good goalie in return. Roll with Lashoff, Alberts, Stuart, Wideman, Ferrence, and Aaron Ward. Take the 1.5 you save by dealing the most over rated player in the whole league and get a big center. Can it really be this easy to be a GM?

Now. The next question is: Who is the big center? Also, do you make a play for Sheldon Souray with some of the cash freed up by the Turco trade? I honestly don’t think the Bruins are in that bad of shape. Fix the goaltending, and the defense, and we are in the playoffs. Turco can get us there. I can help.

MOL is at the germ factory, I am free to watch the game. So, in a gimmick stolen from the Sports Guy, let’s do a running diary of the Western Conference finals between the Ducks and Wings.

7:36 Live from Goonblog HQ. It’s running diary time. I just cracked a brew and am digesting a large meatball sub from New London in Concord. Tasty.

7:38 Brian Engblom’s hair is weird.

7:40 Quick prediction time. I like Detroit in this one. Teams keep trying to push them around and it doesn’t work. In the East, I really like Ottawa.

7:41 This seems like a good time to ask. Why do you hate Ottawa so much Killer? Is it because they kept Redden and let suck bag Chara walk and Boston signed him to an albatross contract making it impossible to deal him and his sucky contract? That’s why I hate them.

GAME ON!!!

7:42 2 Minutes on Marchant for tripping. Bad way to start.

7:42 Ding dong. I’ll get it. Datsuyk just got laid out by Nieds! He fucking nailed him coach.

7:43 Nice idea there by Lidstrom to bank it off the end boards to try and get some traffic out front. Almost worked. Nice hands Bert.

7:44 What a save by Hasek! I saw Getzlaf in the A last year, and was wildly unimpressed. Took 5 minors in the game and looked way out of place. Really stepped up his game since.

7:45 Ducks are testing Hasek early. They need to get a lot of pucks on if they want to win. Duh.

7:46 Replay of the Getzlaf breakaway. It sure looked like Hasek threw his stick to me. Nice call Eddie. I like these guys in the booth.

7:47 Shawn Thornton is nuts. He is a scary big guy, and took legitimate pleasure in the Wing player coming into his bench. I love it.

7:50 That was a horrible play at the blueline resulting in a Ducks penalty. 2 Minutes on Pronger. You gotta haul that guy down.

7:51 That KFC Chicken and Biscuit bowl looks very good. I can actually hear myself getting fatter.

7:53 Nice Backcheck by Datsuyk. That would have been a big goal for the Ducks.

7:54 Dan Cleary looks bad ass with the cut on his eye, and the playoff beard.

7:55 Nice shot/pass by Chelios. If he didn’t give it to Cleary at 300 MPH, Dan might have been able to bury it.

7:57 Nice strip on Samuleson. Just got his lunch money taken.

7:59 FIGHT! FIGHT!! Stupid Zebras. Thornton wanted a piece of Cleary there. I don’t suggest dropping them with Thornton. Kid is very tough.

8:01 Can I get a Power Chair just cause I’m lazy? OOOOOOO! A grabber too? Sorry MOL, no honeymoon, I gotta buy this chair.

8:02 Probably shouldn’t buy that chair.

8:03 Getzlaf almost made it 1-0. CLANG. I love that sound by the by.

8:04 This is a “feeling out” Period. Neither team wants to take any chances, as such; the only opportunities are coming from mistakes. One of these mistakes is going to be costly and force the game to open up. Does that make any sense?

8:07 See! Perry almost scored on the turn around. Bad penalty to take for Chris Draper right there. 2 for Mugging.

8:08 I bet Anaheim scores on this PP.

8:08 I hate that behind the goal camera angle. Pronger tried to kill Hasek with that slapper.

8:09 Good kill by Cleary. Leads to an Anaheim icing.

8:10 1-0 Ducks! 1 second left on the PP! I knew it. Nice pass by Getzlaf. He’s been all over the place tonight.

8:11 I guess time had expired on the PP. I owe myself a buck.

8:13 Is Corey Perry hurt, slow, or just a terrible skater? Looks like he’s in slow motion in quicksand with a load in his pants.

8:14 Getzlaf just jumped into the scrum along the glass. He can fight a bit. I hope this gets way out of hand.

8:15 Entertaining period. I have to get a beer, cover the scooter, and since its dark enough, throw the two chairs I’m not supposed to throw in the dumpster, in the dumpster. Then get another beer.

SECOND PERIOD

8:25 I probably shouldn’t watch porn with the shades up in here anymore. You can totally see in here. I also probably shouldn’t have told you that.

8:29 Just scored major points with MOL. I remembered to DVR Desperate Housewives, and Brothers and Sisters. I am going to make her a fabulous first husband.

8:30 Microwave popcorn? Don’t mind if I do.

8:33 Popcorn is good. I got sap on my hand. Did Mike Emerick just say Acton, Massachusetts? Was he talking about the Makaha? Think they’d deliver me a Mai Tai?

8:34 Speaking of Mai Tai, remind me to ask MOL if she’ll make a picture of her Mai Tai’s for me next weekend. You could run the Space Shuttle on those things. I tried (Very unsuccessfully I might add) to play badminton last summer after two of them. It was ugly.

8:36 Oh yeah, there’s a game on.

8:39 Lebda almost snuck that one in. Again, no one wants to be the one to make a mistake, and the Ducks almost paid for it.

8:40 Now, going the other way, the Ducks almost made it 2-0.This game needs to open up a bit.

8:41 FIGHT LET THEM GO!! Dang it. That is a HORSE SHIT Call by the way. 2 Minutes for enforcing the stupid new NHL Standard of officiating. The NHL needs to go to one referee. I will not rest until this happens.

8:42 Beer.

8:43 Terrible PP by the Wings so far. You can’t have forwards stopping at the blueline for you. Flip it in deep, make the D work.

8:45 Sean O’Donnell almost put one in his own net. Having done that before, I can tell you, he’d have felt sad.

8:46 Peter Worrell, er, Andreas Lilja just tried to kill Corey Perry.

8:47 Fucking Versus! What is the fucking deal with the poor signal strength? Is it just me, or is it happening to everyone? Good thing the finals are on NBC. Imagine if something like Brett Hull’s game winner in Buffalo happened while VS. was having a poor signal strength moment? Would you smash your TV? Well, at least the remote? OK, maybe say a swear real loud?

8:49 MOL Texted. She’s bored, and says hello.

8:49 Kind of a pussy roughing on Peter Worrell.

8:50 1-1 Nice PK work by Maltby and Cleary there. A bad turnover by Getzlaf turns into a Maltby goal. Cleary almost scored on a nice shot, and Maltby followed his own rebound to get the goal. Fans at the Joe are back in it.

8:52 2-1? Ducks think so. No signal and no light. Let’s go to Toronto.

8:54 GOAL. I think. Looks in to me. Let’s see what T.O. says. Ref should have seen that by the way.

8:55 It’s good. 2-1 Ducks.

8:56 Is it me, or does Todd Bertuzzi suck now? Nice hit there by Peter Worrell.

8:57 Ducks on the PP after Dan Cleary gets called for the crosscheck. Wings need a good kill here. I need a catheter.

9:00 Good kill so far. Ducks can’t get set up.

9:01 Good kill. The Wings didn’t allow Anaheim to get set, and created some chances of their own. Now it looks like Rob Niedermayer is going to sit for 2. Detroit needs to bury one here.

9:05 The Ducks are putting together a nice kill of their own. Halfway through, and Detroit hasn’t taken a shot. Until now. Laser by Lidstrom. 2’s are wild.

9:06 How old is the PA Announcer in Detroit? My God. Sounds like they just nudged him awake from his nap.

9:07 2 Minutes for Holding on Lebda. Ducks PP.

9:08 Detroit’s PK is really working well in the Second Period. Cleary and Maltby are buzzing.

9:09 I thought it was my feet that smelled, turns out MOL’s sandals are under the table here. That’s a relief. I thought I was going to have to see someone about this.

9:10 Lebda out of the box almost made it 3-2. Pronger off for 2. Wings almost score right off the bat, and the Ducks almost score the other way.

9:11 FIGHT!! Please! It’s Getzlaf again. I’m telling you, for a kid that can play, he can fight. 5 on 3 for half a minute. O’Donnell goes for roughing. Ducks almost scored there two men down! End of two. Good tilt so far. I gotta pee again.

THIRD PERIOD

9:28 The Honda Pilot commercial with the troll. He says they can pass when they ANSWER his three questions. They only answer 2. The family never answers the do I smell cookies question. They owe that troll an apology.

9:29 Now seems like a good time to tell you, I don’t get out much.

9:30 I love sounds of the game.

9:31 Period starting 5 on 3 for Detroit, and the game tied at 2. Wings need a goal here. Lang almost got it!! Couldn’t control the pass.

9:32 Doesn’t matter, as Pavel Datsuyk hammers home a Robert Lang cross ice pass to make it 3-2 Wings. Still 30 seconds on the PP here.

9:33 Wings don’t score in the last 30, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying. Lidstrom was all over the place there.

9:34 Ducks are looking very sloppy in their own end here. Not a real good time for your game to go to shit.

9:35 The Wings are really controlling play right now. The Ducks just can’t get out of their own end here. I might think about taking my timeout.

9:36 Scott Niedermayer just tried to set up Corey Perry. I guess Perry can skate pretty well. I think he just has an awkward stride.

9:38 That is a GOAL. Niedermayer’s second effort, Rob that is, should tie this game. These Referees’s have missed 2 now.

9:39 Meantime, I am 2-2 on these. It’s those kinds of BFI Goals that will win a series. It’s not pretty, but I am sure Anaheim will take it. Nice play by Rob Niedermayer.

9:43 Nice turn around wrister by Zetterberg. That was a creative play on the fly, and it almost handcuffed Giggy.

9:45 Was anyone else really confused there when they showed Moen on the bench and were talking about his 4th goal? I thought we missed one during the commercial break or something. Turns out the credited the 3rd Duck goal to him. I thought it was R. Nieds. My bad yo.

9:47 What is the attraction to fans trying to get on TV all the time? At the offside whistle, fans were turning around to try and get on TV. Do the people around them want to kill them?

9:49 Doc Emerick just said Fractured Sacrum. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like it really fucking hurts. Terrible penalty there on Anaheim. Wings need to make them pay here.

9:50 Good PP so far from the Wings. Lots of shots and the Ducks are running around. Exactly what you want from the PP if they aren’t set looking for shooting lanes. By the way, I love going to games and the fans that don’t understand what all the passing is for on the PP start screaming, SHOOT! SHOOT! As soon as anyone gets the puck. Makes me laugh every time.

9:52 It started OK, but once the Wings actually got set up, there wasn’t much to write about. Yet I still am. Weird. Gotta pee.

9:54 I just realized I am wearing a Goonblog T shirt while writing this. Is that like wearing a T shirt of the band you are seeing? No?

9:55 That was a neat stick exchange there for Pronger. I like Doc Emerick because he is always giving behind the scenes guys props. He is the voice of the New Jersey Devils, and in almost every telecast he mentions the Lowell Devils. He always has good hockey stories too. He is hands down, my favorite announcer.

10:00 I really hope this doesn’t go to OT. I am kind of sleepy.

10:05 No one wants to make the mistake that costs them this game right now. This is going to OT.

10:07 Corey Perry almost won it for the Ducks right there with: 48 seconds left. That angle, according to Eddie was “horrific.” I agree.

10:09 Chelios just had a senior moment and iced the puck there with 2 seconds. Bad play. He’s now wrestling S. Nieds for his pudding. Pushing and shoving there at the end of regulation. Crap. Overtime. Well, I guess I should pee and get another beer.

OT

10:28 Datsuyk almost won it there! Damn. That JUST missed.

10:29 Doc and Eddie are debating changing playoff OT to 4 a side. I have heard this debate a few times. I say, keep it the way it is. There is nothing better than playoff OT. Even if I am tired.

10:30 Zetterberg almost had a shot there too. Wings are controlling so far.

10:33 Chris Chelios just creamed Travis Moen. Then, the Wings had a chance on the Ducks. I think it is going to be a fluky goal that wins it.

10:35 Val Filppula almost won it for the Ducks. That would be a real suck to tip in the game winner in OT on your own goal. Wow.

10:38 S. Nieds’ playoff beard looks like he has a skunk on his face. Cool. By the way, I am not cutting my hair until I get married in September, so if you see me and I look like Mike Commodore, don’t be alarmed.

10:40 Ducks get a PP on the second stupidest rule in the NHL. The puck over the glass penalty that Buffalo fans spent all Summer and Winter pissing and moaning about comes to bite the Wings. Ducks need to get some shots here.

10:41 Ducks want to win the draw in Detroit’s zone, settle it down, and get some quality shots.

10:42 Hey, wouldn’t you know it? The dumbest rule in all of hockey just got called. I think it is stupid you can hand pass in the defensive zone, but not the offensive zone. Stupid rule.

10:43 Ducks call time out. I guess it’s as good a time as any.

10:44 Penner just had the best chance of the OT from former Winnipeg Jet, Teemu Selanne. I was wearing my Winnipeg Jets sweatshirt riding my scooter today.

10:45 WORST ICE GIRLS EVER.

10:46 No serious. I have had no less than six beers, and those girls were horrible.

10:47 Anyone else staying up for the Dale Jr. PBR event? No? Me neither. As an aside, if you are ever free and the PBR is in town, you should go. It’s really quite fun. Or, I am easily amused. Either way.

10:48 These fuckers are going to make me stay up all damn night aren’t they?

10:51 NOPE! S. Nieds with the goal! Cleary goes down, and Niedermayer makes them pay for it. Series tied 1-1 going back to Anaheim. That was a great game. Enjoy your week everyone.

Ok boys, you want the good news, or the bad news? The good news is MOL is doing an overnight at the Germ Factory. I love her, but she has not done as well with the playoffs this year as she did last. I think it’s because no one she knows or likes is in it. Obviously, the Bruins are out. With Carolina not getting in, she really has no “rooting” interest. It’s been hard to watch, and admittedly, I watched some chick flick instead of a game because her constant complaining had to stop.

The bad news? I am unsupervised with the giant Grey Goose bottle Killer brought over. Thank god there is only one game tonight. My liver, relationship, and neighbors can’t handle the double dip tonight. Killer, I am going to need a wellness check around 11:30.

It was quite a busy week on Goonblog. Killer did the heavy lifting from a writing stand point, and K Special, I, and Red Thunder had a lot of comments. One of the most heated debates was regarding a post on a goal or no goal at MSG earlier in the week. From my standpoint, it didn’t go in. Oh, it was this fucking close, but it didn’t go in. Killer sees it a different way. It sparked a debate about cameras in posts, and micro chips in pucks. I am not sure about the micro chip idea, but the cameras would most assuredly work. Those of you that follow the AHL know the Philadelphia Phantoms tested a net this season where the posts actually lit up when a goal was scored. No lights were damaged in the course of the game. If they can do that, I see no reason why two cameras couldn’t be safely installed in the posts with no harm to the cameras themselves, or the game.

The other item of note was a comment KSpecial had made about former Bruins still in the playoffs. He made a fine point about the mismanaging that has plagued the club for years. Think back to when the lockout ended. What team was in the best position to take advantage of the new CBA? That’s right, the Bruins. What do they do? Sign Brad Isbister. A guy that was in the American League with two teams this season. Dave Scatchard (old and bad) Brian Leetch (Probably the only thing they did right was sign him for one year) Shawn McEachern (Demoted to Providence after 37 terrible games) and the traded arguably the best player in the whole league for a bag of used pucks. To say they mismanage, and can’t evaluate talent is the understatement on the century.

Here are some quick picks for the Conference Finals. Wait, before that, has there been a single fight in the second round of note? I can’t think. OK, now the picks.

What would be great for the NHL in the East: New Jersey Snooze Fests vs. New York Rangers for obvious reasons.

What will really happen? Rangers and Senators. I really like the Rangers this season.

What would be great for the NHL in the West: Detroit Red Wings vs. Anaheim Ducks. The Wings are America’s Team and will garner the most TV ratings. I realize that is a huge oxymoron. TV ratings in America for hockey.

What will really happen? Very close series out West. I like the Wings. They have been battling all playoffs, and are getting great goaltending.

I have to make a drink. Killer, let’s move the wellness check to 10?

The Sabres got screwed last night in New York. With 17 seconds left in the game and trailing by 1, Briere got a loose puck from behind the net and tried to stuff it in. In real time, it looked like Lundqvist was able to slide his right goal pad across the cage to make the spectacular save. Upon further review in slow motion, it did seem like the puck had slid past the line and into the net for a game tying goal before Lundqvist’s right pad knocked it out. I spoke to Chris about this and he felt that it was not a goal. I reminded him that he was drunk and can’t see the remote 3’ from him let alone a black puck on the Plasma 10’ away.

With the advancement in technology, how can the NHL not have a goal cam in the right location? Today they stick some bulky camera on a swivel right behind the goalies ass in the middle of the net. What type of view does that give us in the crucial situations? The posts that the nets are made out of are hollow. How about installing cameras inside them with a fixed angle on the line? You could install one on each side post and another pointing down form the crossbar. Hey if this scumbag Michael Tarallo can hide a camera in his shoe, why can’t the NHL get some small high quality cameras in the posts?

I think the NHL does a great job with reviewing plays, with not only a local reviewer inside the arena but also they have guys in Toronto reviewing plays. They dropped the ball last night.