I am back from my weekend vacation in Portland, ON, and I need a vacation from my vacation. I’m pretty sure my liver is still in the Winchester Arms quivering like a little girl in the corner. My eyes are as dry as can be from being around animals I am allergic to for 4 days, and my bum still hurts from the border crossing on the way into Canada. All in all, I would rate it the best weekend ever!

It all started with me waking up at 4:45 Thursday to get to the airport on time for an International flight. Everyone I spoke to was advising me to be at Logan at least 2 hours early, and having never taken an International flight before, I believed them. Well, thanks for nothing! I walked right in, got my bag checked, walked through security, and was sitting at my gate waiting for my flight by myself a full 2 hours and 30 minutes before the mother fucker took off. I guess I don’t look suspicious. After all, who is going to stop a fat kid wearing a Goonblog T-shirt listening to a pink iPod, and carrying two copies of The Hockey News? My point exactly.

Now, arriving in Ottawa was a bit different. After sitting on the tarmac in Boston for some bullshit, we got airborne, and made the 49 minute trek to the Great White North. As an aside, this seems like a good time to mention this. Almost $600.00 bucks is a little excessive for a 49 minute flight no? Janet says it’s more now too. Yet, I digress. Dave was very specific in the instructions I was to give the Customs Agent upon my arrival…..”I’m visiting a friend I went to High School with…his address is……I will be here for 5 days….I am not going to a Farm….Well, evidently, the Canadians think I look guilty, because these guys grilled me like I was a steak. First I talked with the guy in the booth and he didn’t like what I was selling, so he sent me into the Immigration Office. That guy was very concerned about why the sudden urge to go to Canada and so forth. He was asking me a series of questions about my Passport, and had I ever been to Canada and so forth….”Why now? What are you guys going to do?” After assuring the man I had no other intentions of drinking beer, going for a boat ride, and possibly eating enough Poutine to kill a miniature horse near Dave’s place, I was allowed to proceed.

Dave picked me up, and after a slight delay in getting a digital camera at Best Buy. We were well on our way to Portland. If you’ve never been to Ontario, it looks a lot like Central Indiana. If you’ve never been to Central Indiana, I will describe. Lots of corn fields, and very flat terrain. Very pretty countryside. Dave and I spoke of the plans on the hour and a half drive, and my suspicions were confirmed. We were in for a gasser. Thursday was dinner at the Foley, Jazz night at the cove, and drinks at Ducks. Friday was some plan with Gooch and his peeps, Saturday was “Better than Christmas” Bundy Fest at the Westport Arena, and Sunday was Sunday Funday at the Galley. As he was describing this, I am 99% sure the scream from my liver was audible above Dave’s iPod.

Thursday started at the Foley House where I made a tactical error by ordering wings. The locals both got tenders and fries, but this kid had to go off the reservation and get wings. In the States when you say medium wings, you get medium hot wings. In Ontario, that means you get Wing Dings with a semi spicy barbeque sauce all over them. Live and learn eh? So, after a couple of beers and crappy wings at the Foley, we headed around the corner for Jazz night at the Cove. We met young Spencer there, and to say this guy is a character is an understatement. Picture a young Jack Nicholson when he goes fucking nuts in the Shining, and you’ve got Spencer. Super nice guy, just a little touched upstairs. We also met Amy, and Christa (I think that’s how you spell) and they were all over me because Loonies (a dollar, which looks like a messed up stop sign) and Toonies (2 dollar coin that looks like something you’d redeem at a go kart track for 8 laps of fun) were freaking me out. In between Janet “serving” me (soup for one?) and my jokes about knocking out the center of a bunch of Toonies to make a shower curtain, we managed to put a sizeable dent in their Molson Canadian stock. We weren’t done yet, as it was on to Ducks Roadhouse from Jazz night.

Ducks can best be described as a trailer on the side of a road that someone fixed up and made a sweet little bar out of. It has a jukebox (no Rush?! What’s the deal with that eh?) And a kickass pool table. Plus enough 19-24 year old girls to shake a stick at. When I die, I hope heaven is just like this place. Ducks featured a sweet fried appetizer platter, more Canadian, even more serving, and some of the best bar pictures and videos ever. My first night in Canada could not have gone any better. At the end of the night, we said goodnight, and we’d meet Saturday for Bundy Slam!

Friday could not have been less productive. I got up at 1:15, followed by Dave at 3:15. By the time Dave stumbled awake, I had eaten, and had three beers. I was leveling off, and he was not well. We got a couple of drinks in him, and he bounced right back though. I was impressed actually. Gooch and the gang arrived at 5, or 6? I can’t remember. Too many beers ago. Anyway, it was Gooch, Amy, Jen and Carrie. We enjoyed some burgers, Muddy Mud Skippers, and a rousing game of Cranium. These guys cheated at Cranium though because it was the Canadian version. No I don’t know the time difference between Newfoundland, and Moose Jaw! Also, we learned a synonym for Iron. Smoovie. Great story from Amy, I really can’t do it justice here. You’ll have to trust me.

Saturday I think I was up at 11:30, and had some poutine and 2 beers in me by 12:30. We boated over to the Galley and sat on the deck enjoying the sunshine. Gooch and the gang had to peace out for a tour of the Army Base in Kingston, so Dave, Janet and I were left on our own until Bundy Slam! What we did with that time was watch movies, nap, and have a few beers. Spencer and Todd (wow) dropped by for a couple of beer in the afternoon. Todd was a little primed up for Bundy Slam, as he was having a hard time figuring out the Best of Chris Farley video Dave and I were watching. Todd, it’s the same guy. Not sure he’s invited back.

While Dave was napping after Spencer and Todd left, Janet made dinner, and I helped. That is to say, I drank beer in the kitchen and watched. We needed a good base of food because it was Bundy Slam 2008! Apparently this Bundy guy rents out the Westport Arena every year, has a huge party with a bunch of bands, and all the money goes to the Westport Jr. B team, the Westport Rideaus. I am thinking very seriously about making Bundy Slam an annual event. To quote the kid at the Galley we saw in the afternoon, “Maaaaan…..it’s better than Christmas!” Agreed!

They pack this arena with a shit load of kids, charge 20 bucks a whack to get in, 6 beers for 20 bucks, and party like the sun will not rise the next day. Not sure what it is about Canadian women, but it looked like a hot young girl bomb went off in that arena, and there was shrapnel everywhere. I was on the outside looking in as I am happily married, and I was older than most of the girls in there by at least 5 years. We looked a little out of place, but who cares? We had a blast and the bands weren’t too bad either.

Sunday Funday started with a lovely dip in the lake and some fetch with the puppies, and ended with me on the pullout downstairs pondering my life. In between we had some girly drinks, more poutine, a wicked dance party, and some serious fun. The Galley was our destination for poutine and girly drinks, the dance party was on the boat, and the fun was all around. My hosts were gracious and accommodating, and I met some new friends as well. All in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience in Ontario, and I will be back for Bundy Slam ’09. Hopefully sooner.

P.S. No podcast. I know I promised, but we were without internet and sobriety for the whole weekend. The internet went out courtesy of a lightning strike…..the sobriety was just documented here. Dave will be down in September. We’ll do one then.

I just printed off my boarding pass for tomorrow’s 9 AM flight to the Great White North. I’m looking forward to doing some boating, boozing, a Podcast, and general relaxing. I’ve never been to a part of Canada that wasn’t a city, and I’m looking forward to it immensely. I hope Dave has properly disinfected the house, as well as warned the neighbors as to my arrival. I’m reminded of “Animal House.” “Just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth, and you’ll be fine.” I will miss the release of the AHL schedule tomorrow, but who cares? I can tell you this. My team, The Lowell Devils, is going to play the same 10 teams over and over, and do it in a boring style. Big whoop. If I had anything better to do, they’d be short one more fan. Sadly, I really don’t. Great weekend everyone. I will have a full recap upon my return.

You goons and goonettes will have to entertain yourselves for a couple of days. I am off to Indianapolis for the 92nd running of the Greatest Spectacle in racing, the Indianapolis 500. Hammer and I get into Indy at 9:15, and then we are off to the track for practice and qualifying. Then at 4, a rare treat, we’ll be hitting the links at Brickyard Crossing. In all the years we’ve been going (12 for me, 20th for Hammer) we’ve never played here. After our round we’ll be heading to St. Elmo’s where Hoodie is buying us both a fat steak. Friday is Carb Day. This is the real party day. Officially it’s the last day of practice before the race. For fans, it’s the real big start to the weekend. There are big bands usually, and lot of beads, and booze. Good times. Saturday it’s Indiana State Lacrosse Championships, NCAA Semi Finals Lacrosse, and perhaps a race party. Sunday is the big day, as the 92nd edition of the race is run. Monday is downtime and a trip to the track to renew for next year, and then I fly home to my loving bride on Tuesday. It’ll be my first one sober ever, and if you have never gone, I highly suggest going. There really is nothing like it. Oh, and while you’re at it, please take a minute this Memorial Day weekend to think of all the people that have given everything they had for us to be free. Have a safe and Happy Memorial Day!

Show of hands - who wants a little break from hockey? I didn’t think so. I wrote this article recently for another project and I thought that some of the goons here might get a kick out of it. ‘Tis the season for March Madness, after all. If the NCAA isn’t your bag, baby, then please skip on to the next article and don’t throw anything at my head that weighs over 3 pounds. Deal? Then I’ll begin.

It’s that time of year again and across the USA March Madness is erupting on basketball courts, sports bars, living room couches and just about anywhere else you can plug in a television. Heading into its 69th year, the NCAA Final Four has seen its share of memorable moments. Never a disappointment the wealth of glorious victories, incredible upsets and nail-biting finales have ensured this annual tournament as one of America’s most beloved. To celebrate and prepare for the 2008 NCAA Final Four in San Antonio, we present the top ten bench-clearing buzzer-beaters in March Madness history.

10. Mike Miller: Florida vs. Butler - 2000

Number 10 on the NCAA Top Buzzer Beaters list goes to Mike Miller, then with the Florida Gators. With mere seconds remaining in what had been a very close game, Miller hit a runner in the lane as time expired. Guaranteeing the Gators win, Miller sank one right as the buzzer sounded and lifted the Gators over Butler, 69-68, in overtime. The first-round win sparked Florida to a 2000 NCAA Championship game appearance where they eventually lost to Michigan State. This was the beginning of Miller’s evolution into a top NBA player. Miller, currently with the NBA’s Memphis Grizzlies, has gained the reputation as one of the best in the league for his ability to hit the clutch three-pointer. He was selected 5th overall in the 2000 NBA Draft by the Orlando Magic and nabbed himself the 2001 Schick Rookie of the Year Award. Still going strong Miller earned himself the NBA Sixth Man of the Year Award for the 2006 NBA season.

9. Drew Nicholas: Maryland vs. UNCW - 2003

UNCW was close to the win until Nicholas, like a man possessed, kept Maryland’s title-defense dreams alive when he took an inbound pass spanning the entire length of the court. Drew then weaved his way through multiple defenders before swishing a running, fade-away three-pointer at the buzzer with 2 defenders still draped all over him. The miracle basket gave the sixth-seeded Terrapins a 75-73 first-round win over No.11 UNC Wilmington. Following the huge win, Nicholas was selected in the 2003 USBL Draft by the Texas Rim Rockers. Nicholas most recently played guard for Efes Pilsen SK in Turkey. He was released by the team for following security warnings from the American Embassy and refusing to travel to Serbia for a Euroleague Top 16 game in Belgrade.

8. Danny Ainge: BYU vs. Notre Dame - 1981

It’s difficult to pick the most memorable moment from Danny Ainge’s long and amazing sports career, but this game is definitely in the running. Ainge went the entire length of the court and lofted in an unlikely finger roll at the buzzer to upset No. 2 Notre Dame and shock the packed house. After playing for the Blue Jays in the MLB, Ainge ended up drafted by the Boston Celtics who bought him out of his Blue Jays contract. With the Celtics, he quickly gained a reputation of angering his opponents with his brash style. After winning the NBA title in 1984 and 1986, he went on to play with the Kings, Trail Blazers, and Suns. During this period he twice lost to the Michael Jordan led Chicago Bulls in the NBA Finals, once with Portland and the year following with the Phoenix Suns. He is currently GM for the Boston Celtics.

7. Tate George: UConn vs. Clemson - 1990

Clemson practically had the champagne bottles already popping after they scored a 3-pointer with just 1.6 seconds left in the game. That was until Tate George brough a harsh end to their premature party. George caught a full-court pass, landed, turned and then drilled a fall-away jumper to send the UConn Huskies to a 71-70 win over Clemson in the East Regional semifinals. Clemson was left stunned and UConn fans went absolutely out of their minds. Tate George was drafted 22nd overall in 1990 by the New Jersey Nets. He played 4 years in the NBA with the Milwaukee Bucks and Philadelphia 76ers.

6. Richard Hamilton: UConn vs. Washington - 1998

Shortly after Washington finally managed to gain the lead, Richard Hamilton sank a desperate wild basket and gave UConn the win in a dramatic fashion. The Huskies missed three put-back attempts - the ball bounced out to Hamilton who missed his first attempt, then with his second he tripped backwards and fell while sinking a jaw-dropping 15-footer which cemented the win. Now nicknamed ‘Rip,’ and playing with the Detroit Pistons, Richard was the 1999 NBA Lottery pick of the Washington Wizards. He won the 2004 NBA Championship with the Pistons and was the team’s leading scorer.

5. Tyus Edney: UCLA vs. Missouri - 1995

UCLA was trailing by 1 with just 4.8 seconds left on the clock. Edney took an inbound pass, sped coast-to-coast and dribbled behind his back before tossing up a layup off the glass to beat the Tigers at the buzzer, giving the Bruins a 75-74 win over Missouri in a second-rounder. Later in the tournament against UConn, Edney had another full court run and drained a 25-foot 3-pointer en route to a 102-96 victory which led UCLA to win the title. Drafted in 1995 in the second round by the Sacramento Kings, he has bounced around the NBA and European professional leagues ever since.

4. Bryce Drew: Valparaiso vs. Ole Miss- 1998

Straight out of a Hollywood sports flick, Valparaiso’s head Coach, Homer Drew, watched in agony as his own son Bryce missed a potential game-winning basket with just 4.5 seconds to remaining. After a foul, Ole Miss ends up missing 2 free-throw attempts. With just a couple seconds left on the clock Valpo ran the hook-and-ladder and executed the last-second play to precision as Bryce drilled a three-pointer at the horn for a 70-69 first-round victory. Drew, arguably the best player in Valpo school history, was a first Round pick for the Houston Rockets in 1998. The first ever first round pick from Valparaiso, Bryce played 6 years in the NBA and 1 in Europe before returning to his Alma mater to serve as his father’s assistant coach.

3. Lorenzo Charles: N.C. State vs. Houston - 1983

Tied 52-52 against much favored Houston with time running down in the NCAA title game, point guard Derek Whittenburg heaved up a last ditch 30-footer from 3-point range. Lorenzo Charles caught the air ball and dunked it at the buzzer, ally-oop style, and pandemonium erupted on the court. A team that included NBA perennial All-Stars Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon and the rest of Phi Slama Jama had been defeated. Charles later played for the NBA Atlanta Hawks, a number of European teams and the USBL’s Raleigh Cougars.

2. Keith Smart: Indiana vs. Syracuse - 1987

With time running out Smart dribbled to the baseline and nailed a 12-footer that gave the Hoosiers a 74-73 win over the Syracuse Orangemen. Smart, who scored 12 of his team’s final 15 points that game, never made much of an impact in the NBA where he played 2 games for the Spurs. He spent the rest of his career in the CBA for 6 seasons and also had stops in the World Basketball League and the Philippines. He is currently an assistant coach with the Golden State Warriors.

1. Christian Laettner: Duke vs. Kentucky - 1992

Who can forget this gem of a Final Four moment? With just 2.1 seconds remaining in overtime Duke trailed Kentucky 103-102. Grant Hill threw a beautiful pass the length of the court to Christian Laettner who dribbled once, turned, and hit a jumper as time expired for the 104-103 win. It was the end of a heart-breaking game for Rick Pitino’s Wildcats who had managed to come back from a double-digit deficit only to watch their dreams crash and burn due to one miracle shot. Laettner is considered one of the greatest college players of all time, largely due to his outstanding play in 4 consecutive Final Fours. He went on to play 13 seasons in the NBA beginning with the Minnesota Timberwolves as the 3rd pick in the 1992 draft.

Hopefully this list of the Top 10 supremely amazing game endings in the history of the NCAA Final Four has left you quivering in anticipation for this year’s tournament and already scrambling for NCAA tickets to next year’s big show. Regardless of what happens in the future the incredible legacy of players like Tate George, Mike Miller, Danny Ainge, Richard Hamilton, Christian Laettner and other NCAA miracle makers will remain in the March Madness history books for all time.

Did my use of the word “love” throw you guys off? I got one reply to my question. Thanks Ref, I LOVE your answer. Now, I will reveal why I asked. I LOVE to do stuff like this for you guys. Assholes. What? Sorry. Turrets.

I’m sure you guys have heard that the Patriots were in the Super Bowl a couple of weeks ago. No, really, it was in all the papers. So, the beloved Patriots are trying to win a big game to go a perfect 19-0 on the year. No one gives their opponent a chance to win the game at all, but low and behold, they do. Bottom line is this. The Giants played superb defense, New England never adjusted to Matt Light getting run over, and any doubt that the Giants were a team of destiny was erased when Eli was being tackled by the entire defensive line, throws up a jump ball that is caught in a manner so improbable if it were Madden and you were playing as the Patriots, you would have hit reset right then and there.

This is not about me venting and being bitter. I was crushed for a day like most of New England, but in the end, life goes on. Congratulations to the World Champion New York Giants. If anything good comes out of this, my brother’s father in law and one of the genuinely nicest guys I have ever met is a huge Giants fan. I am happy for him.

Realizing it may seem as if I am way off base here, I’ll get to the point. Fast forward to whatever day the Giants had their parade to celebrate their biggest win evah. Tuesday maybe? Totally doesn’t matter. I am in the gym with Davo when NECN shows highlights of the parade. The first clip they showed was of Michael Strahan at the podium. I thought, oh this will be nice; he seems like a nice young man. He gets up there and starts talking. He says to all those opponents through the season, and in particular our last opponent, we just want to say, we (and then the whole team jumps up in the air) stomped you out! Get it? Enraged? If you are a New England fan, most assuredly yes.

I saw him do this and all I could think of as he was landing (other than, “I Hope the whole fucking stage collapses”) was, this is why I love hockey. This is why I love enforcers. Could you imagine a Stanley Cup parade that ended like that? Could you see Chris Pronger jumping in the air saying, “We stomped you out?” No, me neither. Enforcers go out and do a job that not many people can fathom. They willingly get punched in the face by other men to stand up for a cause, or a teammate. Sure they may throw up their hands in celebration after a big win in a fight, but just as often, they can be seen thanking the other guy for a good go. The men that do this job must be allowed to live on. It is up to fans of the fight like us to talk about them, and celebrate them and fighting in hockey whenever we can. They are a rare and dying breed, and must not be stomped out. So, that’s that. The main reason I love enforcers, is the same reason Demi Moore loves the accused Marines in “A Few Good Men.” Because they stand on a wall.

For those of you that were looking to read something interesting about hockey, I apologize. To be honest, is there even anything to talk about these days? Didn’t think so.

So I had a bit of a boon doggle a few weeks back and wanted to share my adventures with you all. My employer was recently purchased by a German company and they had us all over for a Christmas party / meeting the week before XMAS. Yeah you read that right…a Christmas party, not some fuckin politically correct Holiday party!

Me and the crew headed across the pond to see our comrades. The flight was in two parts; part 1: Boston to Amsterdam / part 2: Amsterdam to Dusseldorf. Lucky enough for me I was upgraded to Amsterdam. Nothing beats first class when you have to fly but first class on an international flight is simply orgasmic. The plan consists of: whack a few stiff drinks back, have a nice meal, drink a few glasses of quality wine with dinner, whack a few more stiff drinks back and then pass out. Next thing you know it’s the next day and you are landing in Europe. I would like to apologize to my fellow passengers as my gas that night was horrific.

The connecting flight and meetings in Germany aren’t worth mentioning. Although, I will say Dusseldorf is a decent city. We spent sometime touring around and hit a few of the hot spots that included great brew pubs. A good time was had by all.

The fun starts on the way home as me and another colleague decided to spend Saturday in Amsterdam. We had to connect in Amsterdam anyways and thought why not spend a full day and night being tourists in Amsterdam. This would enable us to catch an earlier flight back to the states the next morning as we would not need to travel from Dusseldorf at O dark hundred. Anyone been to Amsterdam? Than you know what I am about to write. For those that haven’t, I have but one recommendation…..GET YOUR ASS TO AMSTERDAM ASAP!!!!

Forget Vegas for a bachelor party or Myrtle Beach for a guys golf weekend, the land of the clogs is the place to go. Amsterdam is similar to New Orleans as it is below sea level. It is surrounded by canals named after colors which makes getting around a no brainer even for those that need GPS to get home everyday from work. We began our day with a stop at the Anne Frank house. If you don’t know the story of her you might wanna re-think if all those drugs you did in High School were really worth it. It was a very moving experience and for me to say that is pretty amazing as I have a heart like Vince McMahon. Her family lived in fear of their lives for 2 years never once leaving the house. Can you imagine living like that in 2008?

We hit a few shops afterwards as my colleague loves to stuff his luggage with useless trinkets from around the Globe. At one of the shops we asked for help locating a good local eatery for lunch. The kind lady sent us along to a great pub called Durty Nellies. The food was great and the Heineken was even better. It’s kinda like drinking Molson in Canada. The difference from US Molson and Canadian Molson is night and day. I’m not a big Heineken fan in the US but it was very tasty in Holland.

Now that our bellies were full, along with our bladders, it was time to venture out to the Red Light District and “Coffee Shops”. Wholly shit Goonblogers, I walked into paradise and I was still alive! As we walked down the street there are hundreds of doors with Red Lights lit above them. The streets were packed with horny men from all over the world looking for action. The entire industry is regulated in Holland and the “workers” are tested on a routine basis for diseases. They even segregate things so that certain parts of town have the white chicks then you can move on to Asians, blacks and even some trannies for those real SMF. I thought it was my duty an honor as a GoonBlog contributor to research and educate our readers in case you ever get the chance to visit this gem of a spot.

Each worker is set up in a room about 12×10 that includes a glass front door that they sit behind in very little clothing, basically bra and panties along with a bed. Some are located on the second level from the street and include showers. When they are “occupied” they pull a shade down on the front glass door. The going rate is $50 Euros’ for 50 minutes. That is the opening bid and is negotiable based on your demands. So for example: Chris would probably like a girl to whisper into his ears Tie Domi’s fighting major statistics while he eats pizza off her breasts. The Ref may want his lass to sing the Canadian National Anthem while he throttles her like an Alaskan hunting seal pups. Those requests may cost a bit more.

Walking into a room, you may feel shame similar to being escorted to the sin bin after committing a foolish hooking penalty in the offensive zone but exiting the room, the euphoric feeling is similar to being the new kid who takes down George Laraque with one punch, not that I would know or anything!

The “Coffee Shops” do not sell any alcohol but they can sell you enough Hashish and Marijuana that you forget alcohol exists. The first one I entered was about half the size of a typical hockey locker room and EVERYONE is smoking. I was stoned before I even asked for a menu. It brought me back to the days of Al’s basement in high school. You don’t have to worry about bumping into anyone and having words as all the patrons are in very good moods.

It was a quick 24 hours and very blurry from a recollection standpoint but I hope I painted a good enough picture for you. The place is insane and I highly recommend visiting it before you leave this earth.