This has Nothing to do With Hockey

For those of you that were looking to read something interesting about hockey, I apologize. To be honest, is there even anything to talk about these days? Didn’t think so.

So I had a bit of a boon doggle a few weeks back and wanted to share my adventures with you all. My employer was recently purchased by a German company and they had us all over for a Christmas party / meeting the week before XMAS. Yeah you read that righta Christmas party, not some fuckin politically correct Holiday party!

Me and the crew headed across the pond to see our comrades. The flight was in two parts; part 1: Boston to Amsterdam / part 2: Amsterdam to Dusseldorf. Lucky enough for me I was upgraded to Amsterdam. Nothing beats first class when you have to fly but first class on an international flight is simply orgasmic. The plan consists of: whack a few stiff drinks back, have a nice meal, drink a few glasses of quality wine with dinner, whack a few more stiff drinks back and then pass out. Next thing you know it’s the next day and you are landing in Europe. I would like to apologize to my fellow passengers as my gas that night was horrific.

The connecting flight and meetings in Germany aren’t worth mentioning. Although, I will say Dusseldorf is a decent city. We spent sometime touring around and hit a few of the hot spots that included great brew pubs. A good time was had by all.

The fun starts on the way home as me and another colleague decided to spend Saturday in Amsterdam. We had to connect in Amsterdam anyways and thought why not spend a full day and night being tourists in Amsterdam. This would enable us to catch an earlier flight back to the states the next morning as we would not need to travel from Dusseldorf at O dark hundred. Anyone been to Amsterdam? Than you know what I am about to write. For those that haven’t, I have but one recommendation..GET YOUR ASS TO AMSTERDAM ASAP!!!!

Forget Vegas for a bachelor party or Myrtle Beach for a guys golf weekend, the land of the clogs is the place to go. Amsterdam is similar to New Orleans as it is below sea level. It is surrounded by canals named after colors which makes getting around a no brainer even for those that need GPS to get home everyday from work. We began our day with a stop at the Anne Frank house. If you don’t know the story of her you might wanna re-think if all those drugs you did in High School were really worth it. It was a very moving experience and for me to say that is pretty amazing as I have a heart like Vince McMahon. Her family lived in fear of their lives for 2 years never once leaving the house. Can you imagine living like that in 2008?

We hit a few shops afterwards as my colleague loves to stuff his luggage with useless trinkets from around the Globe. At one of the shops we asked for help locating a good local eatery for lunch. The kind lady sent us along to a great pub called Durty Nellies. The food was great and the Heineken was even better. It’s kinda like drinking Molson in Canada. The difference from US Molson and Canadian Molson is night and day. I’m not a big Heineken fan in the US but it was very tasty in Holland.

Now that our bellies were full, along with our bladders, it was time to venture out to the Red Light District and Coffee Shops. Wholly shit Goonblogers, I walked into paradise and I was still alive! As we walked down the street there are hundreds of doors with Red Lights lit above them. The streets were packed with horny men from all over the world looking for action. The entire industry is regulated in Holland and the workers are tested on a routine basis for diseases. They even segregate things so that certain parts of town have the white chicks then you can move on to Asians, blacks and even some trannies for those real SMF. I thought it was my duty an honor as a GoonBlog contributor to research and educate our readers in case you ever get the chance to visit this gem of a spot.

Each worker is set up in a room about 12×10 that includes a glass front door that they sit behind in very little clothing, basically bra and panties along with a bed. Some are located on the second level from the street and include showers. When they are occupied they pull a shade down on the front glass door. The going rate is $50 Euros’ for 50 minutes. That is the opening bid and is negotiable based on your demands. So for example: Chris would probably like a girl to whisper into his ears Tie Domi’s fighting major statistics while he eats pizza off her breasts. The Ref may want his lass to sing the Canadian National Anthem while he throttles her like an Alaskan hunting seal pups. Those requests may cost a bit more.

Walking into a room, you may feel shame similar to being escorted to the sin bin after committing a foolish hooking penalty in the offensive zone but exiting the room, the euphoric feeling is similar to being the new kid who takes down George Laraque with one punch, not that I would know or anything!

The Coffee Shops do not sell any alcohol but they can sell you enough Hashish and Marijuana that you forget alcohol exists. The first one I entered was about half the size of a typical hockey locker room and EVERYONE is smoking. I was stoned before I even asked for a menu. It brought me back to the days of Al’s basement in high school. You don’t have to worry about bumping into anyone and having words as all the patrons are in very good moods.

It was a quick 24 hours and very blurry from a recollection standpoint but I hope I painted a good enough picture for you. The place is insane and I highly recommend visiting it before you leave this earth.